Whether you’re working through a tough season of life, or need some help unpacking past trauma, traditional talk therapy is a great tool to add to the toolbox. Finding a therapist you like isn’t always easy though. I’ve had my fair share of doozies. For the past 10 years I’ve intermittently seen several different therapists. As I’ve struggled in relationships, moved several times, soul searched, and navigated various career paths, I’ve met several challenges that were easier to navigate with a neutral listening ear and sound clinical advice.
That said, in my time sourcing expert help, I’ve come across therapists who were an excellent fit and others who were definitely not a match. I know the frustration that is coming out of a session expecting to have experienced ‘aha moments’ and received valuable guidance, only to be left discouraged. I’m hoping to help prevent you from experiencing the same disappointment.
Use these tips to help source your soul mate therapist.
1. Know what you’re looking for before you go into your first appointment.
Finding the right therapist isn’t much different than finding a romantic partner. You have to ‘get’ each other, and what he/she/they say(s) has to resonate with you. You likely have criteria for who you’d date to ensure some level of compatibility. Similarly, you should have criteria for a therapist.
Therapists can be trained and specialize in a variety of techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Internal Family Systems. Familiarize yourself with the techniques by listening to podcasts or reading articles/books to learn what resonates most with you. Dick Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) has been on several podcasts where he shares about his background and clinical experience in developing the therapy technique. On Glennon Doyle’s podcast, We Can Do Hard Things, you can hear Dr. Schwartz use IFS therapy in a live session with Glennon as the patient.
A therapist’s bio might also specify they work with a certain population. That population might be defined by a medical condition such as ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Chronic Illness… or it might be defined by how a person identifies such as LGBTQ or Highly Sensitive.
Therapists will sometimes share other related techniques they’re trained in such as yoga, meditation, reiki, etc. If you’re into a more holistic approach to therapy, a clinician with these skill sets might interest you.
2. Ask if they’ll ‘pre-meet’ you.
My husband and I just finished watching the show, Succession, so I can’t help but laugh when I think of Greg and ‘pre-meeting’. In the show Greg, Logan’s nephew, doesn’t want to be on record while meeting with a reporter who wants to write book about Logan. When the family finds out Greg met with the reporter, Greg insists it was a ‘pre-meet’ where nothing of substance was discussed, nothing was on record…it’s as if it never happened.
In the coaching industry this is called a Discovery Call, and it’s not uncommon to have a quick meeting prior to making a multi-week commitment to ensure coach and client are a fit to work together. I can speak from my experience as both a coach and recipient of coaching/therapy – it’s both frustrating and disheartening when a hopeful client is not finding benefit in the partnership after an investment of several sessions; and it’s equally if not more frustrating to be the client or patient who’s spent valuable time and money without having much to show for it. A quick 15 minute ‘pre-meet’ or Discovery Call works beautifully to weed out most of those cases. I can assume most therapists would agree, even if they don’t advertise that a Discovery Call is an option. My current therapist required a Discovery Call before I signed up for sessions. This helped me to know she’s selective and intentional which built my confidence in our partnership.
3. Know what your goals are.
Does your therapist believe in ‘graduating’, and is that important to you? I’ve been to several therapists who have treated our weekly sessions as if they’ll go on forever, without acknowledging that there could be an end…a victory… the feeling of having accomplished the big thing I set out ‘fix’/grow through. The first time I heard a therapist talk about graduating was when I met my current therapist. It’s important to me that she shares my value of working towards a tangible goal, and acknowledges that there’s a foreseeable ‘end’ point where I will have more tools than I did when I started. This concept of graduating isn’t for everyone. Some people enjoy having the weekly appointment on the calendar even if they don’t have anything specific to share or work through. In this case, therapy can act as weekly maintenance to ‘rinse’ out whatever mental gunk could potentially clog the pipes before it builds up. Give some thought to what feels right for you.
4. Give it more than one session.
I can’t say there’s a magic number of right sessions or wrong sessions, but I can say that as long as you didn’t have an overtly bad experience, you should probably give your therapist more than one session before you evaluate whether or not you’d like to continue investing your time, energy and money. Typically in your first session, your therapist is looking to get a lay of the land. They’re trying to learn about who you are, how you operate, and how the thing that’s brought you to therapy fits into the greater picture that is you. This means, you’ll likely do most of the talking/telling, your therapist will likely be asking a lot of information-gathering questions, and you likely won’t have a series of life changing ‘aha moments’. You might not even have one ‘aha moment’. Keep in mind, this is a relationship, and all relationships take time to build.
5. Don’t be afraid to tell the therapist, ‘Thanks, but no thanks.’
If it’s not working out, you don’t have to stick around. Although you’re likely in a vulnerable state when seeking therapy, you still hold onto all of your worth and decision making power. This is similar to being in an interview for a job. Often (unfortunately) there’s usually more emphasis on ‘will they like me?’ instead of ‘do I like them?’, when really latter should take up the most mental real estate. Keep in mind, your therapist is someone who’s partnering with you on your journey…someone you’re hiring as part of your ‘life team’ to help you grow, evolve, and make your way through this muddy season of life. They’re not your savior and you’re not indebted to them. Regardless of how much you think you do…you don’t need them. They’re here to provide support. If you don’t feel their support is supportive, you have every right to part ways.
I was once in a virtual session where I was incredibly triggered. The therapist continued to dig as I began to escalate. I ended up leaving the room sobbing, needing to collect myself and re-regulate my nervous system in order to be able to put a sentence together. I couldn’t even finish the session. Via text I thanked her for her time (though I was feeling anything but thankful at the time) and let her know that I was not interested in continuing to work with her. Therapy is meant to be a safe space. If at any point you feel like you’re being ‘pushed’ as opposed to encouraged, you’re probably not working with the person who’s the best fit for you.
6. What’s your preferred cadence?
You might not feel like you need weekly support and instead want to meet with your therapist on a biweekly or monthly cadence. On the other hand, some therapists require you to meet at a certain frequency in order maintain your status as an active patient. Discuss cadence requirements, both yours and theirs, before you begin sessions. Use this as criteria to help you make your decision.
Try these tips, and let me know how it goes!
